A change of pace
Trusting my gut.
No. 130: A change of pace
It’s wild that I’ve written 130 of these.
That’s 130 Fridays spent writing. At ~1,000 words per piece, that’s somewhere around 130,000 words, which is enough to compile a rather chunky book.
More importantly, though? This has been 130 weeks of expressing myself, overcoming self-doubt, embracing joy instead of fear.
It’s been the process of becoming an artist.
Thinking back to the first newsletter I wrote? I was a different person.
I was insecure in my identity as a creator, as a guy who makes stuff and confidently shares it, as a serial experimenter. I hadn’t yet figured out that art-making isn’t only validated by feedback or recognition. It can be, sure. But at its root, it’s the opposite.
Art making is being dedicated to making stuff despite feedback and recognition — and most often, in the complete absence of it.
The energy has to come from within, and go outward.
And that’s really all there is to say on that.
Because of this newsletter — because of your encouragement — I realized that. And now I feel like the possibilities are limitless. I feel more fluid in my work than ever, able to take on any idea.
But an unexpected symptom of that has been this weekly feeling like a burden, something I hate to admit, but that I must.
It’s not that I don’t want to write.
It’ that: I want to write when I want to, not feel forced to do it every Friday.
Until now, that forced feeling was fantastic. I needed to be forced. I wanted to be forced. It was my blood creed, no matter what, to write something each Friday.
But that feels less important now, which is a positive, I think.
I want to do more than I can do on a weekly cadence. I want to go bigger and deeper on my writing projects. I want to actually write either a novel or short story collection. And I want to give myself time to experiment elsewhere.
Namely, that “elsewhere” is video.
I’ve fallen in love with this mode of expression for a couple reasons.
It’s writing- and story-driven
It’s visual
It’s auditory, involving music and/or ambient sound
Since I’ve started playing with video, I’ve found myself writing and thinking in new ways.
I’ve found myself (hand)writing little scrips and monologues in notebooks. As write, I’m imagining characters, shots, settings, music, sounds. And to bring my ideas to life, from scratch paper to finished video? It’s über rewarding.
I’m having a lot of fun.
But that doesn’t mean abandoning expository writing.
I just want to get a little more deliberate.
Going forward, here’s the plan.
I’ll continue to post here, but instead of every Friday, I’ll post only when I feel I have something good and interesting to share. That might be a essay, per usual, or a story, or something else.
The idea? To free myself from the commitment of a Friday newsletter, and to increase the quality of my work by spending more time on each piece.
There’s some guilt wrapped up in this. I don’t want to disappoint you. But I hope you’ll agree this is the best thing for both of us. Your reading experience is only as good as my writing experience. This way, neither of us will feel snubbed.
It’s hard to say goodbye to this weekly, even though I’m not actually saying goodbye. It’s been part of my life for so long now, and so important to my self-growth.
But when I get past the surface-level anxiety, I think it’s clear this is cause for celebration, not being bummed out.
I’ve outgrown one of the first, big creative projects of my life.
On to the next.
Weekly Three
HEAR: “Freaky (RGB)” by Yeek (YouTube)
READ: Art that sold at Frieze New York 2023. I’m noticing a maximalist, pop art style. (Artsy)
VIEW: My recent video (“The Missing”) is a good example of how I’m incorporating writing into video. Follow me on IG (@mattzamudio) if you want to view my video projects. (Instagram)
I know the feeling. I have always been like that (not just in writing) but with everything else. As a teacher, as a personal trainer, as a chef I have found myself gravitating over and over to working alone or as a contractor; or looking for jobs or gigs that allows for more freedom - for me, for my family, for my writing/podcasting, hiking - because of that. As an example, I always disliked working at gyms because I couldn't have the time or the creative freedom to help people how I wanted (most of the time workout templates and specific approaches are not good), but as a freelancer that was totally different - I helped and I felt fulfilled because I was able to take my time and let my mind flow (I could teach rather thatn train). Fortunately my current work allows me to have a big chunk of that freedom and creativity.
In my Newsletter/podcast my only rule is that at least once a month I publish something (that is, within 30 days after the last post (~). But it has been confusing. Even from Substack there is always the advice of "consistency". I keep fighting the pressure to keep a weekly and steady cadence (same day, same time); so that readers and listeners feel that I am "dedicated, and trustworthy" of delivering: a professional. But every time I try that, I become so stressed and I lose my muse and desire to even write, and every time I end up being less ashamed of writings and posting wheI want or can. So yes, take your time!
Love your writing, gracias for sharing!🖖🏽
Matt, please know you are not disappointing anyone with wanting to shake things up and only post when you really want to share something you truly care about. Your writing is cool, inspiring, and most importantly makes you happy and that's all that matters. And if you want to post only every so often, I personally think that's a fantastic idea! It's like looking forward to receiving a handwritten letter in the mail from your very best friend about an exciting adventure they are on and we as the readers get to look forward to the next letter in the mailbox because we know that when we open it up and read it, your letter is going to be filled with passion, emotion, and funny little moments that you very sweetly share with your readers that will stick with us and make us smile throughout the day. You do whats best for you, my friend. Your creativeness should not be dampened by the constraints of any system but be allowed to breathe and be fluid like most beautiful creations in the universe. The rest of us will be here patiently waiting and will not care/nor judge about the times in between. And if anyone does complain, just kick them in their no-no zone and keep doing you. They will be fine, I promise. :)