Be Cool Hotline

1-800-BE-COOL

Howdy, ya’ll. I’m writing you from Youngstown, Ohio. Tonight, I’ll be a reading a short story here for

Chuck Palahniuk

’s Midwest Story night. And I’m stoked! If, somehow, you’re in the area, the event is at a venue called Cedars West End. Doors at 6:30.

Also, in a couple hours, I’m going to be having to chat with the one and only

Maegan Heil

for my nascent podcast, JOY, NOT FEAR. It should be a good time.

In the meantime, I wanted to share a little bonus story thing. I published this long ago, when I was publishing this newsletter on a different platform. I thought I’d publish again for those who missed it — and to give it a home on the Interwebs.

Anywho, have a great Wednesday everyone. And wish me luck! Or, is it break a leg? I never know when to use break a leg, but anytime I get the chance, I do.

Love,
matt

Story No. 4: Be Cool Hotline

Hey, listeners! Mr. Cool here welcoming you back to another segment of the Be Cool Hotline on the Midwest’s hottest station for today’s top hits, 99.7 KISS FM. I’ll be taking your calls for the next hour at 1-800-BE-COOL. And it looks like we’ve got our first caller! Hi, it's Mr. Cool at the Be Cool Hotline. Welcome to the show. Let’s start with your name, age, location.

Hi, um, this is Ralph. I’m 10. From Chicago. Hi.

Hi, Ralph. How can I help today?

Well, um, I like riding my scooter, but I feel a little embarrassed having to wear knee pads and elbow pads and a helmet like my mom says. She won’t let me out of the house without them, but the other kids, this kid Jack down the street, his parents don’t make him wear them. Whenever I ride by Jack’s house, Jack and his friends laugh at me. They call me Helmethead. What do I do, Mr. Cool?

First of all, Ralph, ditch the scooter. Throw the scooter in the trash. Buy a skateboard instead. Skateboards are much cooler. They’re associated with rebelliousness, counterculture, drugs, alcohol, crime, all of which are cool. Understand, Ralph?

No, not really. Sir.

Skateboards don’t have handlebars. No scooter.

But I love my scooter. It’s so fun. And fast. It’s silver with green wheels. Santa got it for melast Christmas. It makes me so happy.

No scooter, Ralph. Got it? Get rid of the scooter.

Fine. Okay. If you really think it will help get Jack to stop making fun of me, Mr. Cool. If you really think it will.

Now, about those pads. Tell your mother you aren’t going to wear the pads anymore. She’ll tell you it’s for your safety, okay Ralph, but don’t listen to her. Safety is not cool. Safety will get you laughed at by Jack and his friends. Safety turned you into Helmethead, didn’t it?

Yeah…

Risk is cool. Danger is cool. The possibility of getting brain damage or becoming paralyzed? Cool, Ralph, because when, if, you avoid these unfortunate outcomes, you would have dodged a bullet, so to speak, and that is very, very cool! Wouldn’t you agree, Ralph?

Dodging a bullet? Like the Matrix movie? That was so cool! But I don’t think my mom will be okay with that.

She might not, Ralph. No, she will not. But you need to stand up and be a man, Ralph. How old are you? 10? That’s old enough. Unless you don’t really want to be cool, like you said you do. Do you really want to be cool, Ralph?

Heck yeah I do.

I thought so. Then you have to stop listening to your mom. You have to stop caring about what she says. Cool people don’t care. About anything. Your mom included. She might beg you to listen to her. She might even cry. She’ll try to ground you. She’ll probably ask your dad to talk to you. But you have to not care, Ralph, and do things your way. The cool way. Because cool Ralph does not care. About his mom. About his dad. About his grandma. About his grandpa. About his brother. About his sister. About his dog. About anyone. Okay, Ralphsters? Trust me on this.

Even my dog, Honeybear?

Even Honeybear, Ralph.

Okay, Mr. Cool, I won’t listen to anything they say anymore. Thanks a lot. You rock.

* * *

Thanks for calling the Be Cool Hotline on 99.7 KISS FM. Mr. Cool here. Can you tell me your name, age, location?

Hi. This is Hector. I’m 31 and live in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. Cool place, Hector. How can I help?

There’s this girl at work, Darla. She so sweet and beautiful. I’ve had a crush on her for two whole years now, and I’ve tried to get her attention, but nothing seems to work. You’d probably think she’s cool. I do. Always dressed well. Nails done. Smells nice. But she never seems to notice me. Last week, I asked if she wanted to get lunch. You know, a burger or something? All expenses paid. She said yes, but for the whole first half she was texting and for the second half she was on the phone with her friend. I think the only words she said the whole time was “Get me the number six.” And I considered that day a success. This other time was worse. Since I know she has a thing for chihuahuas, I spent three weeks watching YouTube videos about origami. Eventually I folded a hundred chihuahuas out of post it notes and set them up around her keyboard before she got to work with a note that said, “From Hector. Hope you like ‘em.” But when she got in, she just scooped all the chihuahuas into her hand and threw them away. She said they were weird. I was right there, trying not to look hurt. What should I do?

Your problem, Hector? You care too much. Worse, you show it. That’s like the biggest no-no of being cool. It’s like, are you people even listening to my advice? I say the same thing every week. But still you call with the same— whatever. Here’s what you need to do, Hector. Stop paying so much attention to her. Pretend Darla isn’t there. That she doesn’t exist. That she never existed. That’s what girls like, okay Hector? Got that? They want someone who’s occupied with other things, with other women, or with themselves. A guy that would love them tenderly and satisfy their every wish? Not what they want, buddy. Hate to break it to you. The opposite of what they want. Am I being clear, Hec? You have to treat her like there are five million other Darlas out there, like she’s common, just another girl, or, even better, a lifeless, air-filled space, okay? No, even better than that, a not air-filled space. A vacuum. A nothing at all.

But doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know, counterintuitive to—

Hector . . .

Okay. I’ll pretend she’s a lifeless, air-filled— I mean a vacuum, like you said, Mr. Cool.

Next thing is, you’ve got to be a little self-obsessed, okay Hector? You’ve got to project an air of wealth, dominance, and aggression. This will be hard at first. Always is. But soon, you’ll get the hang of it and it’ll start to feel natural. Trust me. Now here’s how I want you to do this. First, I want you to start hitting the gym. Hard. Focus on your biceps and your chest only. In a perfect world, you’d target the abs to. But baby steps.

I like my body the way it is now, though.

Hector, did you call me or did I call you?

There’s a Planet Fitness not too far from—

Next, get yourself a flashy car. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not. Buy it. Lease it. Whatever. That’s what a credit card is for, okay? Am I right? You’re going to want something that’s 1) expensive 2) has only two seats 3) is preferably European and 4) is loud and obnoxious. When you pull into the parking lot each morning, be sure to rev the engine so everyone, vacuum included, makes note of your arrival. Also, make sure to leave at the same time the vacuum leaves, so she, it, I mean, sees you getting into your new car, headed toward your, she-it will think, big ass house.

Sure, I guess I can look into loan options. I do have this Datsun my dad gave me in high school. But if you really think a new car will do the trick—

It will. Last but not least, Hec, you’re going to need to make some improvements to your wardrobe. Now I don’t know you, Hector. Maybe you’re quite stylish. But judging from what you’ve said, you’re not. So go to the store. Or online. Doesn’t matter. What matters is, designer only. Okay? Credit it, Hec. God bless America. Oh, and, how could I forget! Tattoos. Get one. Get many. Chicks love that. Not much that’s cooler than irreversibly changing your body. Koi fish are hot right now, I hear. Black and white or color will work. Either way. In fact, the artistic quality in general doesn’t matter much. Just get a tattoo. Finally, a haircut. The Benicio Del Toro is a proven winner, okay?

Damn, I love Benicio! Thanks, Mr. Cool.

But the big thing, Hector? Don’t make it so obvious you care. Remember, vacuum. Always there. Somewhere. But neglected. I promise you, the results will follow.

Don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care. Got it, Mr. Cool. If it means I can have Darla, I’ll do anything. Thanks so much for your advice.

* * *

Thanks for calling the Be Cool Hotline on 99.7 KISS FM. Mr. Cool, here. Can you tell us your name, age, location?

Jessica. I’m 17 and live in Boston. Hi, Mr. Cool.

Hi, Jessica. What’s on your mind today?

My parents are super religious. But I have this boyfriend, Kevin, and I love him. He’s so fun. I know they’re not great, but he introduced me to weed and xanax, and I love those, too. Lately, I feel more relaxed than I’ve ever felt. Like I’m floating all the time. It’s great. Anyway, I hang out a lot at Kevin’s parents’ house since they let us sleep together. My mom, surprise, doesn’t love that. She says it’s not how she raised me. But what if I don’t want to live how she raised me? I’m so sick and tired of her shit. She says it’s just because she loves me, but it doesn’t seem that way. What do you think, Mr. Cool?

Your boyfriend Kevin sounds like a super cool guy, Jessica. In fact, after we get off the line, text me his number? I’d like to— follow up with him afterwards to see how you two are doing, if that’s okay? But let’s get down to business. Your mom’s passing off her oppressive tactics as love? Fake and uncool. She wants to control you, Jessica, as you suspect, but so far you’re doing a good job of blazing your own path. Kudos. She may not have “raised you that way,” but has it ever occurred to her that her “way” might have been wrong? Well, it was. Kevin’s parents on the other hand? Seem very cool. Trust your instincts, even if dampened by the effects of drugs. I think it’s great they let you sleep together. Sex is amazing! Am I right? One bit of advice, though? Use contraceptives. Or get an abortion if need be. Last thing you need is to ruin your cool streak with, god forbid, a kid. Now, believe me, Jessica, you may think your case is unique, but in fact it’s quite common. The cause? God. Renounce everything you were ever taught. It’ll take time, but it can be done. There’s not much else less cool than the doctrines of believers. Don’t take the lord’s name in vain? Christ. Honor thy father and mother? How about no? Thou shall not commit adultery? Just suck all the fun out of life, why don’t you? Forget about your God, Jessica, and don’t worry about heaven, hell, or your overbearing mother. Just have fun. You have my blessing.

Gosh! That’s exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, Mr. Cool. Love your show. And I’ll be sure to text you Kev’s number. Love you! Bye.

* * *

Thanks for calling the Be Cool Hotline on 99.7 KISS FM. Mr. Cool, here. Tell us your name, age, location, please?

Ralph’s mom, you piece of shit.

Ralph’s mom? Oh. Ralph. Um, is there a reason you’re calling, Ralph’s mom? How’s our little Ralphsters doing?

Dead.

Well, I, uh—

He was hit by car this afternoon. Oh god. My husband said he heard you on the radio earlier telling him to scoot— or skateboard— whatever you said, without his helmet. If he would have had a helmet— Oh, God. Oh, God. My little Ralphie. Oh, God—

At least he died doing what he loved! Right?

No, he loved riding his scooter. He was killed crossing the street on a skateboard. He didn't know how to stop.

Well at least he died learning to do something he would have, at some point, loved, right? I think that’s pretty cool, don’t you? Have a drink in a dark and moody bar. Lift your glass. For Ralph. That’s the coolest way to deal with a death. Okay? Will you do that?

I can’t believe you would — Goddam you! No no no no no. Not my little Ralphie. [Beep] you, Mr. Cool! How could you do this to my sweet little family, my sweet little Ralphie! Gone! Forever! I swear to God I’m going to report you to—

Well it seems we’ve lost Ralph’s mom. Next caller. Do we have another caller? No? Well folks, it seems that’s all the time we have today here on the Be Cool Hotline. A big thank you to all our callers, and we look forward to hearing from, and helping you, next week. As always, remember, Be Cool, Fool! Bye now. ♦

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