How to have empathy for anyone
Or what might be called an "empathy hack."
No. 89: How to have empathy for anyone, or what might be called an “empathy hack”
You can pretend that it is, but empathy isn’t easy.
Um. What do you mean?
Being empathetic towards everyone, and not only the ones that make it easy, is hard.
Think strangers, acquaintances, the person at the cash register who may or may not be in a great mood as you order your Salted Caramel Latte.
My prejudices or judgements usually get in the way of my empathic success rate. I start thinking, If only they would change this one thing they would so much easier to love. But that’s not how empathy works, at all.
So basically what you’re saying is that it’s a challenge not to judge? Not exactly a groundbreaking observation there, bud.
That’s sort of what I’m saying? Judging our surroundings, other people included, seems like one of those primitive evolutionary mechanisms that won’t, and probably shouldn’t, be stopped.
It’s more about learning to judge without coming to nasty conclusions like, I’m better than you for such and such reason, or, I dislike what you stand for so you deserve a lesser treatment.
It sounds simple enough, but it’s not. If you’ve ever tried being consciously empathetic toward every random you might encounter in a day, you know that it’s pretty easy for your ego to get in the way.
But good news. I think I’ve found a way to make being empathetic easier, to game yourself when you’re most at risk of being a hateful ass, a kind of “empathy hack.”
Big, if true. Let’s hear it then.
So I’m driving down the main avenue that cuts through my town. It’s a road lined with stores and restaurants and fast food joints. The sun is nearly gone. On the side of the road I see a young woman with a soda in her hand waiting for the cars to stop so she can cross.
Thanks to the weirdness of midwestern city planning, there’s no sidewalk and no crosswalk. She’s standing in the grass wearing a work uniform, and she doesn’t look happy.
Her gaze is blank. From what I can tell from the look on her face, she’s had to make this improvised crossing a million times before, at the exact same time of day, waiting for exact same never-ending train of cars to end. She looks tired, ready to go home, curl up in bed, and fall asleep.
And as I imagined her finally getting home after her long shift, changing into something more comfortable, plopping into her bed and drifting off into a deep sleep, I couldn’t help but love her.
That’s when I realized the empathy hack.
Pick any person you want.
Imagine them asleep in their bed after a long and tiring day of work.
You will love them.
Because isn’t it beautiful that all of us, no matter what we do during our waking hours, will eventually get tired and go to sleep?
At some point, everyone falls into an unconscious, dream-filled slumber. Part of being human is growing tired, which means becoming weaker, duller, and increasingly one-dimensional until we are just a horizontal body getting some much needed rest.
It’s nice to imagine our vulnerability in this harmless way.
Days later, with these thoughts still swirling around in my head, I stumbled into an interview with the writer Mary Gaitskill that confirmed the effectiveness of my empathy hack.
The interviewer asked Gaitskill whether thinking about ourselves through an embodied or a disembodied perspective changes our perceived responsibilities to other people.
Gaitskill responded,
My husband was actually saying something a few days ago about how, without relating in an embodied way, you have no empathy. It’s because we all have bodies, and that’s the heart of empathy, that we recognize each other as these creatures with bodies that can be hurt even if we’re very strong.
And bodies that can be tired, too. Bodies that need sleep. Each and every one of them, no matter who they belong to or what they believe or what they do when they’re awake.
If this isn’t a path down which we might find a way to have empathy for one another, I’m not sure what is. ♦
Weekly Three
HEAR: People are saying Beyonce and Drake are bringing house music to America. But it never left. House is as American as jazz, born in Chicago/Detroit in the early 80s. Most Americans have simply neglected it, which one critic attributes to the American tendency to be “suspicious towards anything that brings us joy.” Here’s “Can You Feel It” by Larry Heard, released Jan 1st, 1986.
READ: The writer Susan Choi on powering through first drafts, instead of getting stuck in the death spiral of editing and re-editing a story with no end.
VIEW: A 1980-something Volkswagen Vanagon for sale near my house.
I used to work in downtown Seattle. Onward lucky joy. On the way home, going up 1st Ave toward my apartment in Queen Anne, I would see lost-soul street people and try to put myself in their place. More recently, in Mexico City, I've done the same.
I don't know if this is empathy, really not sure. I was raised with a Mom who taught us to remember that your circumstances in life are based a great deal on an accident of birth. Though I'm not what you'd call a religious man, I do remember that there but for the grace of God go I.
It doesn't always work for me. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood, impatient, etc., but I am pretty successful at keeping it real in this regard. I've lived on the edge (although Michigan seems like a dream to me now), rode a few trains (but mostly buses) and have shared food and drink with strangers - and they with me.
And now that I've reached the rambling part of my comment I should get on my scooter and go - and say many thanks for the article. I shall try your hack at the first opportunity. You've helped me remember something that shouldn't be forgotten.
I celebrate any thoughtful piece written about empathy. This is one. It is the great balm the nation needs.