OMG! When I heard you were in Chicago - I was going to ask you if you were looking into improv because I def got that vibe from watching you read! You have talent and age on your side and have so far to go. Will look forward to following your career!
Susan! Thanks so much for reading. It was a pleasure to hear you read your story. It's interesting you got that vibe from my reading. I think that's a good thing. Or, at least, I choose to believe that! I'm so glad you're here and thank you for the encouragement. Have a great Sunday :)
I really resonate with this weekly newsletter and relating life's journey to paths, especially when you say "I don’t believe I could have gotten to the place I am now without doing the things I did..."
Although completely different from your path, I too am seeing how all of my life events, whether it be triumphs, struggles, hard work, etc. have prepared and steered me to where I am today. I'm actually writing about all of this in my medical school personal statement as we speak, jumping ship from engineering and taking on the "boss stage" that is medical school applications. Anyways, it's always a pleasure to read your weekly posts. Keep it up!
I'm so glad this resonates! Since we're the same age, I think we can relate on these last few years being very transformative. It's kind of that shift from young adulthood to adulthood, I think -- from being a kooky college-ish type person just figuring it out to, you know, actually figuring (some of it) out. There are more curveballs to be had, and more realizations that, in fact, we have none of it figure out, I'm sure. But hey. Right now? If things feel good? Let's take a second to acknowledge it, right? Anyone can be the high-minded and pessimistic and doom-filled philosopher with a "real" take on life. For me, that's no way to live. Glad to hear you're doing well, and wishing you the best of luck on your med school adventures. Catch ya later, bud.
This is so beautifully stated. We probably don’t have any of it figured out and maybe no one ever does. But if you can begin to enjoy the journey—the present times—you’re golden.
I feel this exact same energy right now, Matt, and can't wait to see where it takes us. I too want, so badly, to make stuff, as you said, and we can! And we will! Thank you for putting this feeling into words.
Hey Matt - I’m pretty sure James Brpwn said “I feel good” many more times then once! 😬. Glad you’re on the road up!
Before Christmas, trying to decide upon a unique present for myself, I landed on improv training. I have not signed up yet, but I still have the tab open on my computer. I can be either very chatty, open, friendly, and adventurous, or mouse-quiet and overly shy. I was thinking Improv might help my writing - a little push to get more out there. I’d love to hear more about your experience with improv.
I also did my first public resting this year at Hugo House in Seattle. I’ve been following Chuck on substack. Are you in Portland?
Lee! Thanks for this comment. You already know what I'm going to say: just do it! Pull the trigger. I had the same doubts about going into the unknown, but I'm glad I signed up. Here's the thing: the premise of improv is that there is no wrong way to do it. Not thinking is encouraged. All you're doing, really, is having fun with others. The only way to fail is by getting in your own way. Pretty much? You listen, and react. Most of life is an "improv," right? But we improv according to what seems normal. In class, you can loosen up and be weird and fun if you chose. And I think it does help with just about everything. Communication/talking to people, being less shy, getting over stage fright or camera shyness, getting used to the sound of your own voice, your body, etc. And most definitely it will help with writing: the way you write characters will be much more grounded in reality.
That is very cool you read in Seattle. How'd it go? I'm in Chicago, so I went to the midwest iteration. However, I'm from SF. Also, I've never been to NYC and want to visit. I was thinking it could be really cool to try to attend all three story nights. West coast, midwest [check], east coast. We'll see.
Anyway, thanks for reading and for your comment! Have a great Sunday.
"it’s also been attempting to figure myself out by way of putting words on a page"
this really resonates with me! Joan Didion says that "I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear." The act of writing, itself, is the means by which I discover who I am, what I have to say, and what I think. The way I seek clarity and generation. It is what makes me who I am, what makes me into someone and something I want to be.
Beautifully put, Duane! And thanks for dropping that incredible quote. Yes, yes, and yes. Which is why it's been interesting for me as I've begun podcasting. It's far beyond my comfort zone of thinking in the controlled space of the blank page. But fun nonetheless.
"The object isn't to make art, it's to be in that wonderful state which makes art inevitable, said Robert Henri once." I couldn't agree more. I'm glad to see you're confidence level remains strong and you are moving forward, fully committed to the path you've chosen.
Your newsletter about "confidence" last week provoked a lot of self analysis and reflection in this old noggin. I concluded that whatever level or state of confidence I've felt in my life it tended to be in the context of specific endeavors or pursuits. And the notion of confidence within myself didn't really present itself as confidence. From my teens through my late 20's I surfed. I reached a considerably high level of mastery but that didn't translate in my mind as confidence. Compulsion, obsession. Some sort of psychic/physical connectedness that the ocean had over me. Still does. Confidence, sure. I had no doubt about my abilities and my willingness to take on the sometimes serious dangers. Did I conceptualize it as confidence? Possibly. When shooting the shit with the homies, I never felt the need to talk up my exploits. I knew I was legit. Did that generalize into an all around confidence about who I was? Not really. I never felt particularly confident about who I was in a social sense. Always felt a little lost, a little lacking. Too sensitive to others' needs or opinions. Not a strong sense of self. But that weakness turned out to be an asset in my chosen line of work--teaching young people with special needs. Being inherently sensitive to others has been an invaluable tool in my work as an educator. I've had little difficulty putting the needs of others before my own. Is that due to a lack of confidence? If so, so be it. Confidence is a nice thing to have and can serve you well in many aspects of life. But a lack of it, as long as it doesn't become debilitating, is not the worse thing in the world. I think.
Fred- This was a beautiful work of writing to read, per usual. I think you have a particular knack for memoir. The way you talk about yourself, you thoughts, your emotions, your conceits ("I never felt the need to talk up my exploits. I knew I was legit") is fantastic.
There's a lot here, and I'm not sure I can cover it all, but I'm going to take a stab. Confidence is a weird topic. In some contexts, it's a plus. In others, not so much. And always it must be handled carefully. It sounds like you were/are confident. Again, context is important. A lot of what I wrote about in my last essay had to do specifically with confidence in the context of art-making i.e. having the confidence to MAKE SOMETHING, and to continue to always make more things, even though chances are the things you make will go ignored or, in the worst case, ridiculed. In that context, I think an almost delusional confidence is a plus -- even a requisite. As soon as you lose it, your work suffers, your output suffers, you suffer. While this attitude runs the risk of missing potentially accurate critiques/feedback, I think the artist is better served in the end by being too confident than whatever the opposite might be i.e. too conscientious of critique/feedback. This assumes a black and white structure. There is a gray area, sure. Maybe, as I get older, I'll get better at inhabiting the gray area. But for me? Right now? I don't want to toy with doubt or fear. Only joy, happiness, confidence, having fun.
Which brings me to the "sense of self" thing. I think it's very fascinating what you write about "being too sensitive to other's needs or opinions / not a strong sense of self"). As you write, that became an asset for you. And I'm sure that's true in more cases than your profession alone. I'd guess/I know your empathetic. I know you're a deep thinker. You mentioned "lost," and I'd guess you're somewhat comfortable being a little lost, floating along, wondering, being curious, etc. I love that place. And it's pretty much where I, too, have spent a lot of my time. I think I'm only beginning to gather a sense of self as an unintended consequence of this writing stuff, and improv, and making videos, and talking, etc. I've been forced to become aware with WHAT/WHO I'm putting out there, and that's been both a challenge and gift. It's also required confidence. (If you remember an essay I wrote long ago called "Psychopath"? I think some answers to this confidence thing can be found there).
As you say, "confidence is a nice thing to have and can serve you well in many aspects of life." Agreed. And I also agree that it's not the end all be all. You are right. When it comes to making things though? I wonder if it is the most important thing. If so, it means knowing when to turn it on a.k.a. when approaching an artistic endeavor / when to turn it off a.k.a. being a good friend, husband, caretaker, teacher, etc.
That was a lot. Hope it makes (some) sense. Thanks for your great and thoughtful comment, Fred. Have a great Sunday.
Matt, what a pleasure to read such a long and thoughtful reply to what I wrote. I appreciate the content and spirit of what you wrote. Your argument for the necessary confidence of the artist in the process of making of art is important. What's more, it's a wonderful thing; a wonderful thing to have and a wonderful thing to imagine. It may be essential as you believe but I'm not entirely sold on this. I think its very possible to create while inhabiting a state of uncertainty. I think we are kind of on the same page on this. Inhabiting uncertainty in the artistic process we agree can lead to unexpected rewards. It's only when the uncertainty becomes debilitating that we have reason to worry. Doubt and uncertainty about the creative process itself is a deal killer. The absence of confidence in what you're doing, the absence of confidence in what you have to say, whatever the medium, is a dangerous place for the artist. The real or imagined loss of meaning in one's value is to know despair. Not a place where creativity can survive let alone thrive. Thankfully, the human heart is resilient. And imagination can be a great friend and companion. As you say, you are young, and as the comment you responded to about the changes we experience in the different stages of our lives, your outlook is necessarily colored by the years you've been alive and the thinking you've done. Whatever, that's enough philosophizing for now. Honestly, I'm just glad I followed Christopher's lead and started reading your newsletters. It's brought this wonderful, ongoing conversation into my life for which I am grateful. Truly.
I love this, Fred. Thank you for pushing me to think. These are top notch sentences, and sentiments:
"Inhabiting uncertainty in the artistic process we agree can lead to unexpected rewards. It's only when the uncertainty becomes debilitating that we have reason to worry. Doubt and uncertainty about the creative process itself is a deal killer. The absence of confidence in what you're doing, the absence of confidence in what you have to say, whatever the medium, is a dangerous place for the artist. The real or imagined loss of meaning in one's value is to know despair. Not a place where creativity can survive let alone thrive."
Of course, that's only a part of the whole, I can't tell you how much joy it brings me to read words/thoughts like that directed at myself (and whoever else is reading over our shoulders).
I agree with you that we are kind of on the same page. And I love how well you know me. You're adding things I couldn't articulate, but that you have aka the first sentence. It's true that uncertainty aka the gray area is a driver for me, as I've written about before, and that's weird, because, in a way, it seems so at odds with this whole confidence thing.
Which is why, like you, I'm not sure that *I'm* entirely sold on it.
I wonder what it is I'm trying to say, then. Honestly. Because this is a real thing I'm feeling (and it could be wrong, but it feels so right!) and I try to honor that/trust my gut for better or worse. It may be this: feeling confident to explore uncertainty, or something like that? Being confident that I can go in to a story, let's say, and not know where I'm going necessarily but still come out with something. Of course, that isn't true. There will be times I come out with nothing. But for the sake of actually going in to a story in the first place, I think should believe that I'll find something.
Fred -- this is about to get a bit sappy -- I'm so incredibly glad to have you as a reader/fellow writer. You always elevate my thinking and have deep and fascinating reactions to whatever I'm turning over. You've given me confidence and made me better. You're one of the reasons I'm still writing. For that I'll never be able to thank you enough. Truly.
Per usual, thanks for going head first into this with me. There's no way this will be the end of it, and I'm excited for our future talks on whatever bubbles up next. Thank you. I'm glad to have such a brilliant friend and mentor.
Thanks Matt. I can't help but feel honored and a bit humbled by these expressed sentiments. Doubt and uncertainty seem to be my constant companions so your validation helps to chase some of the doubts away. I think the path you're on is a bold and righteous thing. I think the thing that infuses your commitment is genuine. I admire that. I can only hope that whatever views or opinions I share will continue to be of some use to your process. You keep writing and I'll keep reading. : )
I myself heard James Brown say that many times. It was a standard part of his repertoire. Glad you are feeling good. Keep up the great work. God bless you and hold you in His keeping. Amen.
May you never forget your time in Ohio. You had a very cool room at the Calvin Center. I’ve spent alot of time there in the past. Keep writing, making friends and being who you are. I’m very pleased to have met you!! Write on, BROTHER!!
OMG! When I heard you were in Chicago - I was going to ask you if you were looking into improv because I def got that vibe from watching you read! You have talent and age on your side and have so far to go. Will look forward to following your career!
Susan! Thanks so much for reading. It was a pleasure to hear you read your story. It's interesting you got that vibe from my reading. I think that's a good thing. Or, at least, I choose to believe that! I'm so glad you're here and thank you for the encouragement. Have a great Sunday :)
Matt,
I really resonate with this weekly newsletter and relating life's journey to paths, especially when you say "I don’t believe I could have gotten to the place I am now without doing the things I did..."
Although completely different from your path, I too am seeing how all of my life events, whether it be triumphs, struggles, hard work, etc. have prepared and steered me to where I am today. I'm actually writing about all of this in my medical school personal statement as we speak, jumping ship from engineering and taking on the "boss stage" that is medical school applications. Anyways, it's always a pleasure to read your weekly posts. Keep it up!
-Chris
I'm so glad this resonates! Since we're the same age, I think we can relate on these last few years being very transformative. It's kind of that shift from young adulthood to adulthood, I think -- from being a kooky college-ish type person just figuring it out to, you know, actually figuring (some of it) out. There are more curveballs to be had, and more realizations that, in fact, we have none of it figure out, I'm sure. But hey. Right now? If things feel good? Let's take a second to acknowledge it, right? Anyone can be the high-minded and pessimistic and doom-filled philosopher with a "real" take on life. For me, that's no way to live. Glad to hear you're doing well, and wishing you the best of luck on your med school adventures. Catch ya later, bud.
This is so beautifully stated. We probably don’t have any of it figured out and maybe no one ever does. But if you can begin to enjoy the journey—the present times—you’re golden.
Thanks for the words and wishes.
I feel this exact same energy right now, Matt, and can't wait to see where it takes us. I too want, so badly, to make stuff, as you said, and we can! And we will! Thank you for putting this feeling into words.
Until we MEAT again, my friend.
Oh, and thank you for creating opportunities for writers!! 🥩🥩🥩
Hey Matt - I’m pretty sure James Brpwn said “I feel good” many more times then once! 😬. Glad you’re on the road up!
Before Christmas, trying to decide upon a unique present for myself, I landed on improv training. I have not signed up yet, but I still have the tab open on my computer. I can be either very chatty, open, friendly, and adventurous, or mouse-quiet and overly shy. I was thinking Improv might help my writing - a little push to get more out there. I’d love to hear more about your experience with improv.
I also did my first public resting this year at Hugo House in Seattle. I’ve been following Chuck on substack. Are you in Portland?
Be well. Just keep writing!
Lee! Thanks for this comment. You already know what I'm going to say: just do it! Pull the trigger. I had the same doubts about going into the unknown, but I'm glad I signed up. Here's the thing: the premise of improv is that there is no wrong way to do it. Not thinking is encouraged. All you're doing, really, is having fun with others. The only way to fail is by getting in your own way. Pretty much? You listen, and react. Most of life is an "improv," right? But we improv according to what seems normal. In class, you can loosen up and be weird and fun if you chose. And I think it does help with just about everything. Communication/talking to people, being less shy, getting over stage fright or camera shyness, getting used to the sound of your own voice, your body, etc. And most definitely it will help with writing: the way you write characters will be much more grounded in reality.
That is very cool you read in Seattle. How'd it go? I'm in Chicago, so I went to the midwest iteration. However, I'm from SF. Also, I've never been to NYC and want to visit. I was thinking it could be really cool to try to attend all three story nights. West coast, midwest [check], east coast. We'll see.
Anyway, thanks for reading and for your comment! Have a great Sunday.
"it’s also been attempting to figure myself out by way of putting words on a page"
this really resonates with me! Joan Didion says that "I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear." The act of writing, itself, is the means by which I discover who I am, what I have to say, and what I think. The way I seek clarity and generation. It is what makes me who I am, what makes me into someone and something I want to be.
Thanks for this post!
Beautifully put, Duane! And thanks for dropping that incredible quote. Yes, yes, and yes. Which is why it's been interesting for me as I've begun podcasting. It's far beyond my comfort zone of thinking in the controlled space of the blank page. But fun nonetheless.
"The object isn't to make art, it's to be in that wonderful state which makes art inevitable, said Robert Henri once." I couldn't agree more. I'm glad to see you're confidence level remains strong and you are moving forward, fully committed to the path you've chosen.
Your newsletter about "confidence" last week provoked a lot of self analysis and reflection in this old noggin. I concluded that whatever level or state of confidence I've felt in my life it tended to be in the context of specific endeavors or pursuits. And the notion of confidence within myself didn't really present itself as confidence. From my teens through my late 20's I surfed. I reached a considerably high level of mastery but that didn't translate in my mind as confidence. Compulsion, obsession. Some sort of psychic/physical connectedness that the ocean had over me. Still does. Confidence, sure. I had no doubt about my abilities and my willingness to take on the sometimes serious dangers. Did I conceptualize it as confidence? Possibly. When shooting the shit with the homies, I never felt the need to talk up my exploits. I knew I was legit. Did that generalize into an all around confidence about who I was? Not really. I never felt particularly confident about who I was in a social sense. Always felt a little lost, a little lacking. Too sensitive to others' needs or opinions. Not a strong sense of self. But that weakness turned out to be an asset in my chosen line of work--teaching young people with special needs. Being inherently sensitive to others has been an invaluable tool in my work as an educator. I've had little difficulty putting the needs of others before my own. Is that due to a lack of confidence? If so, so be it. Confidence is a nice thing to have and can serve you well in many aspects of life. But a lack of it, as long as it doesn't become debilitating, is not the worse thing in the world. I think.
Fred- This was a beautiful work of writing to read, per usual. I think you have a particular knack for memoir. The way you talk about yourself, you thoughts, your emotions, your conceits ("I never felt the need to talk up my exploits. I knew I was legit") is fantastic.
There's a lot here, and I'm not sure I can cover it all, but I'm going to take a stab. Confidence is a weird topic. In some contexts, it's a plus. In others, not so much. And always it must be handled carefully. It sounds like you were/are confident. Again, context is important. A lot of what I wrote about in my last essay had to do specifically with confidence in the context of art-making i.e. having the confidence to MAKE SOMETHING, and to continue to always make more things, even though chances are the things you make will go ignored or, in the worst case, ridiculed. In that context, I think an almost delusional confidence is a plus -- even a requisite. As soon as you lose it, your work suffers, your output suffers, you suffer. While this attitude runs the risk of missing potentially accurate critiques/feedback, I think the artist is better served in the end by being too confident than whatever the opposite might be i.e. too conscientious of critique/feedback. This assumes a black and white structure. There is a gray area, sure. Maybe, as I get older, I'll get better at inhabiting the gray area. But for me? Right now? I don't want to toy with doubt or fear. Only joy, happiness, confidence, having fun.
Which brings me to the "sense of self" thing. I think it's very fascinating what you write about "being too sensitive to other's needs or opinions / not a strong sense of self"). As you write, that became an asset for you. And I'm sure that's true in more cases than your profession alone. I'd guess/I know your empathetic. I know you're a deep thinker. You mentioned "lost," and I'd guess you're somewhat comfortable being a little lost, floating along, wondering, being curious, etc. I love that place. And it's pretty much where I, too, have spent a lot of my time. I think I'm only beginning to gather a sense of self as an unintended consequence of this writing stuff, and improv, and making videos, and talking, etc. I've been forced to become aware with WHAT/WHO I'm putting out there, and that's been both a challenge and gift. It's also required confidence. (If you remember an essay I wrote long ago called "Psychopath"? I think some answers to this confidence thing can be found there).
As you say, "confidence is a nice thing to have and can serve you well in many aspects of life." Agreed. And I also agree that it's not the end all be all. You are right. When it comes to making things though? I wonder if it is the most important thing. If so, it means knowing when to turn it on a.k.a. when approaching an artistic endeavor / when to turn it off a.k.a. being a good friend, husband, caretaker, teacher, etc.
That was a lot. Hope it makes (some) sense. Thanks for your great and thoughtful comment, Fred. Have a great Sunday.
Matt, what a pleasure to read such a long and thoughtful reply to what I wrote. I appreciate the content and spirit of what you wrote. Your argument for the necessary confidence of the artist in the process of making of art is important. What's more, it's a wonderful thing; a wonderful thing to have and a wonderful thing to imagine. It may be essential as you believe but I'm not entirely sold on this. I think its very possible to create while inhabiting a state of uncertainty. I think we are kind of on the same page on this. Inhabiting uncertainty in the artistic process we agree can lead to unexpected rewards. It's only when the uncertainty becomes debilitating that we have reason to worry. Doubt and uncertainty about the creative process itself is a deal killer. The absence of confidence in what you're doing, the absence of confidence in what you have to say, whatever the medium, is a dangerous place for the artist. The real or imagined loss of meaning in one's value is to know despair. Not a place where creativity can survive let alone thrive. Thankfully, the human heart is resilient. And imagination can be a great friend and companion. As you say, you are young, and as the comment you responded to about the changes we experience in the different stages of our lives, your outlook is necessarily colored by the years you've been alive and the thinking you've done. Whatever, that's enough philosophizing for now. Honestly, I'm just glad I followed Christopher's lead and started reading your newsletters. It's brought this wonderful, ongoing conversation into my life for which I am grateful. Truly.
I love this, Fred. Thank you for pushing me to think. These are top notch sentences, and sentiments:
"Inhabiting uncertainty in the artistic process we agree can lead to unexpected rewards. It's only when the uncertainty becomes debilitating that we have reason to worry. Doubt and uncertainty about the creative process itself is a deal killer. The absence of confidence in what you're doing, the absence of confidence in what you have to say, whatever the medium, is a dangerous place for the artist. The real or imagined loss of meaning in one's value is to know despair. Not a place where creativity can survive let alone thrive."
Of course, that's only a part of the whole, I can't tell you how much joy it brings me to read words/thoughts like that directed at myself (and whoever else is reading over our shoulders).
I agree with you that we are kind of on the same page. And I love how well you know me. You're adding things I couldn't articulate, but that you have aka the first sentence. It's true that uncertainty aka the gray area is a driver for me, as I've written about before, and that's weird, because, in a way, it seems so at odds with this whole confidence thing.
Which is why, like you, I'm not sure that *I'm* entirely sold on it.
I wonder what it is I'm trying to say, then. Honestly. Because this is a real thing I'm feeling (and it could be wrong, but it feels so right!) and I try to honor that/trust my gut for better or worse. It may be this: feeling confident to explore uncertainty, or something like that? Being confident that I can go in to a story, let's say, and not know where I'm going necessarily but still come out with something. Of course, that isn't true. There will be times I come out with nothing. But for the sake of actually going in to a story in the first place, I think should believe that I'll find something.
Fred -- this is about to get a bit sappy -- I'm so incredibly glad to have you as a reader/fellow writer. You always elevate my thinking and have deep and fascinating reactions to whatever I'm turning over. You've given me confidence and made me better. You're one of the reasons I'm still writing. For that I'll never be able to thank you enough. Truly.
Per usual, thanks for going head first into this with me. There's no way this will be the end of it, and I'm excited for our future talks on whatever bubbles up next. Thank you. I'm glad to have such a brilliant friend and mentor.
Thanks Matt. I can't help but feel honored and a bit humbled by these expressed sentiments. Doubt and uncertainty seem to be my constant companions so your validation helps to chase some of the doubts away. I think the path you're on is a bold and righteous thing. I think the thing that infuses your commitment is genuine. I admire that. I can only hope that whatever views or opinions I share will continue to be of some use to your process. You keep writing and I'll keep reading. : )
You certainly strike me as being a young man of destiny.
I'm happy for you! I've also gotten into more of a "groove" recently that I've been lacking for nearly 3 years. It feels good to feel good :)
Hell yeah it does! Thanks for dropping this comment. So glad you're finding your groove. So much of life (and growing) is doing just that, I think.
I myself heard James Brown say that many times. It was a standard part of his repertoire. Glad you are feeling good. Keep up the great work. God bless you and hold you in His keeping. Amen.
Haha! Fair point, Jim. Thanks so much for dropping a comment. Hope you're feeling good to. God bless right back atcha! Have a great Sunday.
Matt Z.
May you never forget your time in Ohio. You had a very cool room at the Calvin Center. I’ve spent alot of time there in the past. Keep writing, making friends and being who you are. I’m very pleased to have met you!! Write on, BROTHER!!