It gets easier with time. I spent 3 years at night school doing a diploma in Sales Management and Marketing 2 nights a week. There was a huge amount of learning in engaging people in conversation, which helped me heaps. I was OK performing on stage and talking about music, but I struggled prior to the training in going up to strangers outside of music to start a conversation. After the training it became easy. A bit of humour at your own expense is a good ice breaker.
Good thoughts. Vulnerability makes it possible for others to be vulnerable too. It’s funny how so many environments discourage authenticity, but at the same time people really desire it.
Part of becoming 'authentically me' was letting go of other people's expectations, which came with age. I was never a competitive person, but wanted to (at least) belong and be accepted by the group (whoever that happened to be at any given time.) Now, I'm only interested in belonging and being accepted by myself...and it feels great!
As usual, Matt, you’ve given me lots to think about. This one’s HARD though. I live in a fairly constant state of fear that people will discover I’m a weirdo or that they already have and they’re merely tolerating my weirdness while I go on believing I’ve formed a meaningful connection with them.
On Substack, I engage with people I don’t really know (and who don’t really know me) all the time. That’s entirely new for me, and it’s not always super comfortable. I know for a fact I use a different version of my “voice” depending on whose comment section I’m in. And when I catch myself doing that I go, huh? Why am I doing that? I think that’s me trying to navigate what I think a person’s boundaries are. Because everyone has boundaries. We just don’t walk around with signs letting people know what they are, which is why starting up a conversation can be so challenging.
It would be great if we didn’t have boundaries, and everyone could just say whatever they want and “be themselves” all the time. But the reality is, there has to be some calibration somewhere on both sides. An ability to “read the room”. Or things can get… awkward.
With that said, if we didn’t have ballsy people around to start conversations and make things weird, life would be pretty fucking boring. (SEE how my voice just changed?! – LOL)
I like your “fuck it” policy. That’s the phrase I hear when I click “publish” on a new post I’m not 100% sure will be well received (so every post). It’s like the mouse is whispering to my index finger… “fuck it”. 😊
I absolutely agree with everything you've said, Meg. There is absolutely calibration. My thing, I guess, it to start throwing that calibration out of wack a bit. Not too much, though! Kind of seeing where those boundaries are, and what people are comfortable with. You put it perfectly with "read the room." When people don't, it's very bad.
At the bottom of all this, I think, is my dread of too much small talk or regular speech patterns. Put simply, I get bored. But some people prefer to stay in those lanes -- some forever, some until they build enough trust and comfort, which doesn't happen instantly -- and that's totally normal. My schtick is being willing to go out of them. Also, I try to be honest with myself when I just get plain bored with a totally predictable conversation. That may be a flaw of mine. It may be rude, even, because I might avoid hanging out with someone who I know is unwilling to have fun and interesting conversation. But that's that.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. And, yes, loved watching your voice change as you wrote more and more. Lol.
I think this is why I respond to your writing so much: the warmth and openness is immediately apparent. Also: “Showing someone that you’re imperfect makes them feel comfortable being imperfect, too — and everyone is, or at least they believe that they are.” I really agree with this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is a scared little puppy inside. If you can show them you’re safe, and act with sincere effort to be safe, you can make connection with almost anyone. It’s also so much more calming for my nervous system. They’re gonna find out how human I am one day anyway. What if I just showed them today?
Thanks so much, Kara. Exactly! I think that's it. In this case, it's a "go for it" mentality within the bounds of a conversation. Of course, that extends to all areas of life. But within a conversation is a good lesson, because it's face to face with another person. In many art disciplines, writing especially, you're sharing you thoughts -- and really, yourself -- with not one but many. In that scenario, the authenticity is even more important.
Gold: "If all of us are imperfect, it doesn’t do to be the person who pretends not to be, because the only way to maintain that illusion is to pretend or to avoid action completely. On the other hand, there’s realizing those little imperfections are unique characteristics that aren’t going anywhere, then unapologetically being yourself." -Y'ALL, MATT is out here sharing the gospel.
My guru, who reads my stuff, is always kind and supportive. He also often gives me "pointings." One pointing he gave me this week, related to my writing, was essentially to lean *into* my grit and *away* from getting too polished. I still feel like Bambi out here on Substack. I'm here, learning my voice, and finding the balance with these things you write about here.
You are a messenger with your writing Matt, more than you realize. Thank you. And shit, keep the funnies coming too. You can always count on me to be like the sis you can always get cracking up.
Today's LOL: The IPA induced story of the embroidered Poncho cardigan.
I absolutely loved this view. I'm a very introverted person myself, and to be honest I suffer a lot when people try to make me open up. More often than not, people use your little flaws against you, tend to get to know you only to find ways to be mean, and I'm tired of it. But this approach was very genuine and sweet and I truly loved it :)
Thank you, Natalia! It's sadly true that some people do this, but perhaps it follows that if you're willing to open up, you're also prepared for whatever shit people will throw at you. In the end, you're the better person for being vulnerable -- you learned the most, and you were the most true to yourself. I'll take that over fear, come what will.
Thank you for authentically articulating the masks and language we use at work. I've long been someone who felt that we should bring our "whole self" to work as well. But, the issue with that is that not everyone in the workforce is benevolent. There are many people who approach their work lives through a zero-sum lens, attempting to one up others to gain power and prestige. They will use any information they gather about you to find ways to advance themselves. It's really sad but it happens. There are also wolves in sheep's clothing, who can and will do great harm to others. I think one does have to be very careful in opening up to others in the workplace for these reasons. You have to understand that there are power structures at play in the workplace. Because of these power structures, there is a lack of inequality inherent to work. You can't be your boss's friend for this reason (not saying that you're doing this, but it is why it's really not a good idea to do it). This power structure may be why your colleagues are careful about opening up to you.
But, as for challenging yourself and taking risks creatively, you should always go for it. Face your fears. Try new things. Thanks for writing and being on Substack!
Great take, Autumn. I agree, and thought about including some of that here. In addition to what you've already said, there's also the potential threat of being different in an organization built on conformity. Sometimes, being yourself can be perceived as thinking you're better. Or, on a much more basic level, it's just being different than the "tribe," which often results in exile.
Since all this is true, there has to be boundaries. You can't go too crazy, unless you're willing to lose your job. But I think that's fine. I think pushing the boundaries a bit, or just approaching them even, is very rewarding and usually safe.
But all in all, I agree. You have to be able to calibrate and, as Meg Oolders said in an earlier comment, to "read the room."
Just be aware that some of the people who don't open up may have been through traumatic work experiences (sexual harassment, bullied, etc) and most likely will be cautious in the workplace because of these experiences.
Embrace the reckless 😉 Good read.
Yes! Thank you, Susy :)
It gets easier with time. I spent 3 years at night school doing a diploma in Sales Management and Marketing 2 nights a week. There was a huge amount of learning in engaging people in conversation, which helped me heaps. I was OK performing on stage and talking about music, but I struggled prior to the training in going up to strangers outside of music to start a conversation. After the training it became easy. A bit of humour at your own expense is a good ice breaker.
Great anecdote, as always, Luigi. Thanks for sharing. It's true.
Good thoughts. Vulnerability makes it possible for others to be vulnerable too. It’s funny how so many environments discourage authenticity, but at the same time people really desire it.
Thanks a bunch, Trevor. That is funny. They can try, but it will never be suppressed entirely -- and usually, suppressing it just feels crappy.
Wonderful post!
Part of becoming 'authentically me' was letting go of other people's expectations, which came with age. I was never a competitive person, but wanted to (at least) belong and be accepted by the group (whoever that happened to be at any given time.) Now, I'm only interested in belonging and being accepted by myself...and it feels great!
Thank you so much, Ms. Writer! I'm so glad you came to that realization. There's no other way to live.
As usual, Matt, you’ve given me lots to think about. This one’s HARD though. I live in a fairly constant state of fear that people will discover I’m a weirdo or that they already have and they’re merely tolerating my weirdness while I go on believing I’ve formed a meaningful connection with them.
On Substack, I engage with people I don’t really know (and who don’t really know me) all the time. That’s entirely new for me, and it’s not always super comfortable. I know for a fact I use a different version of my “voice” depending on whose comment section I’m in. And when I catch myself doing that I go, huh? Why am I doing that? I think that’s me trying to navigate what I think a person’s boundaries are. Because everyone has boundaries. We just don’t walk around with signs letting people know what they are, which is why starting up a conversation can be so challenging.
It would be great if we didn’t have boundaries, and everyone could just say whatever they want and “be themselves” all the time. But the reality is, there has to be some calibration somewhere on both sides. An ability to “read the room”. Or things can get… awkward.
With that said, if we didn’t have ballsy people around to start conversations and make things weird, life would be pretty fucking boring. (SEE how my voice just changed?! – LOL)
I like your “fuck it” policy. That’s the phrase I hear when I click “publish” on a new post I’m not 100% sure will be well received (so every post). It’s like the mouse is whispering to my index finger… “fuck it”. 😊
I absolutely agree with everything you've said, Meg. There is absolutely calibration. My thing, I guess, it to start throwing that calibration out of wack a bit. Not too much, though! Kind of seeing where those boundaries are, and what people are comfortable with. You put it perfectly with "read the room." When people don't, it's very bad.
At the bottom of all this, I think, is my dread of too much small talk or regular speech patterns. Put simply, I get bored. But some people prefer to stay in those lanes -- some forever, some until they build enough trust and comfort, which doesn't happen instantly -- and that's totally normal. My schtick is being willing to go out of them. Also, I try to be honest with myself when I just get plain bored with a totally predictable conversation. That may be a flaw of mine. It may be rude, even, because I might avoid hanging out with someone who I know is unwilling to have fun and interesting conversation. But that's that.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. And, yes, loved watching your voice change as you wrote more and more. Lol.
I loved this very much 🙌🏻❤️
Thank you, Priya :)
I think this is why I respond to your writing so much: the warmth and openness is immediately apparent. Also: “Showing someone that you’re imperfect makes them feel comfortable being imperfect, too — and everyone is, or at least they believe that they are.” I really agree with this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is a scared little puppy inside. If you can show them you’re safe, and act with sincere effort to be safe, you can make connection with almost anyone. It’s also so much more calming for my nervous system. They’re gonna find out how human I am one day anyway. What if I just showed them today?
Thanks so much, Kara. Exactly! I think that's it. In this case, it's a "go for it" mentality within the bounds of a conversation. Of course, that extends to all areas of life. But within a conversation is a good lesson, because it's face to face with another person. In many art disciplines, writing especially, you're sharing you thoughts -- and really, yourself -- with not one but many. In that scenario, the authenticity is even more important.
Yes, and compelling.
I loved this read. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your stuff each week.
Thank you so much, Stephanie!
Go for it! You only live once…
Absolutely!
Gold: "If all of us are imperfect, it doesn’t do to be the person who pretends not to be, because the only way to maintain that illusion is to pretend or to avoid action completely. On the other hand, there’s realizing those little imperfections are unique characteristics that aren’t going anywhere, then unapologetically being yourself." -Y'ALL, MATT is out here sharing the gospel.
My guru, who reads my stuff, is always kind and supportive. He also often gives me "pointings." One pointing he gave me this week, related to my writing, was essentially to lean *into* my grit and *away* from getting too polished. I still feel like Bambi out here on Substack. I'm here, learning my voice, and finding the balance with these things you write about here.
You are a messenger with your writing Matt, more than you realize. Thank you. And shit, keep the funnies coming too. You can always count on me to be like the sis you can always get cracking up.
Today's LOL: The IPA induced story of the embroidered Poncho cardigan.
An right on cue, Jeannie shows up with one of the kindest comment ever. Thank you so much :) Happy writing over there. You're on fire.
❤️🔥
I absolutely loved this view. I'm a very introverted person myself, and to be honest I suffer a lot when people try to make me open up. More often than not, people use your little flaws against you, tend to get to know you only to find ways to be mean, and I'm tired of it. But this approach was very genuine and sweet and I truly loved it :)
Thank you, Natalia! It's sadly true that some people do this, but perhaps it follows that if you're willing to open up, you're also prepared for whatever shit people will throw at you. In the end, you're the better person for being vulnerable -- you learned the most, and you were the most true to yourself. I'll take that over fear, come what will.
Thank you for authentically articulating the masks and language we use at work. I've long been someone who felt that we should bring our "whole self" to work as well. But, the issue with that is that not everyone in the workforce is benevolent. There are many people who approach their work lives through a zero-sum lens, attempting to one up others to gain power and prestige. They will use any information they gather about you to find ways to advance themselves. It's really sad but it happens. There are also wolves in sheep's clothing, who can and will do great harm to others. I think one does have to be very careful in opening up to others in the workplace for these reasons. You have to understand that there are power structures at play in the workplace. Because of these power structures, there is a lack of inequality inherent to work. You can't be your boss's friend for this reason (not saying that you're doing this, but it is why it's really not a good idea to do it). This power structure may be why your colleagues are careful about opening up to you.
But, as for challenging yourself and taking risks creatively, you should always go for it. Face your fears. Try new things. Thanks for writing and being on Substack!
Great take, Autumn. I agree, and thought about including some of that here. In addition to what you've already said, there's also the potential threat of being different in an organization built on conformity. Sometimes, being yourself can be perceived as thinking you're better. Or, on a much more basic level, it's just being different than the "tribe," which often results in exile.
Since all this is true, there has to be boundaries. You can't go too crazy, unless you're willing to lose your job. But I think that's fine. I think pushing the boundaries a bit, or just approaching them even, is very rewarding and usually safe.
But all in all, I agree. You have to be able to calibrate and, as Meg Oolders said in an earlier comment, to "read the room."
Just be aware that some of the people who don't open up may have been through traumatic work experiences (sexual harassment, bullied, etc) and most likely will be cautious in the workplace because of these experiences.
Thank you for mentioning this. I will. And in any further explorations of this topic, I’ll be sure to include this important point.